The heart pounds, as always. But this time out of rhythm with time.

三十三日
Originally uploaded by Abigail Lee

I've been thinking a lot recently about doors. No, not the doors that my company makes. I've been thinking about the doors that open to reveal new and great surprises in life, and the ones which you open and realize that that was the wrong door!

I have realize that my last year in the relationship with David was the latter of those doors. So is my move to San Diego. My time here is an interim period between then and the future. The now doesn't concern me, as I know it will continue on and on. I have been thinking towards the future a lot lately.

I thought that I would leave San Diego and move back to Georgia. This is not to say that won't happen. But, I've been considering many more options.

Let's think about this move and what it would mean. It would mean I would be close to my family and friends again. It would mean that if Karl was having an awful day, I could be there for him. It would mean that I can have dinner with my parents and enjoy their company. It would mean that I can finally be around people with whom I feel completely comfortable.

But, it would also mean that I would have to find another crap job. Unfortunately, all of the careers to which I aspire, none are available in the south. Also, it would require me to move back to Georgia. That sounds like the obvious statement of the year, right? The thing is that I would dread it. I don't like living in Georgia. I lived there for over 20 years. I feel like moving back there would almost be an affirmation that I failed here in San Diego. I know that is not the truth. I didn't really fail out here. I came out looking for something new and to run away from the bad feelings haunting me at the time.

Now that I am free of all that, has San Diego served its purpose? Is there more to this city than that? Sometimes I don't know. It would be hard for me to leave it, though. Truly, I love the city. And I love the beach. And I love that there is always something to do. And let's not forget the best Mexican food this side of the border! But, I am not really happy here. I am not unhappy, per se. I am just not happy. There is nothing here that does it for me.

The truth is, the only time I felt that I was completely happy in where I lived and who I was surrounded with was my time in Athens during undergrad. But, I also realize that I can't go back to Athens. After all that I have done, I just can't go back.

So, do I stay in California and consider somewhere else here? Do I move back home? Or do I try again somewhere else? How many times will I have to move to find the place where I can belong again?

At this point, my life is full of "what if" questions:
What if I don't get in to grad school?
What if I move somewhere else and hate it?
What if I ruined my chances for working at Torrid?


I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't know. I know I am meant for something some day. But for right now, I am only full of questions and doubts concerning it.