Ripples of the reflection in the pool of time

Today has been a day of emotions.

I was speaking to my friend, David Titterington, today on the phone at lunch. He is visiting Kansas, so I thought it was the perfect time to call. We were chatting, and he brought up a blog post of David's. At the mere mention of it, I turned red and almost burst into tears. How is it that over 4 months later, I am still broken?

And so after work, I got and read it. It wasn't a new post. It was one he wrote in May about our breakup.

I don't know. I am so conflicted. It's so hard to give up on someone, to let them go. And I'd done such a good job since the freakout day at not looking at David online at all. But now, I've gone and done it. And it's not that I am upset that he is moving on in his life. I am moving on, too. But, it just makes me realize that we are not a part of each other's lives at all anymore.

And it's hard because I know how I feel inside. But, I imagine that he is past me, just living his life, smiling with someone else. And that hurts. And it's not fair, if he is in fact like that. I don't wish ill on him anymore. I wish happiness for him. but, I'm finally really realizing that I can't be a part of that happiness at all.


And you know what the silly thing is... I was mad at him for not sending me a birthday card.

The Sky Above, The Field Below

My favorite website of the moment: You-are-beautiful.com.

There's lots of forces in a modern world that take their toll upon a modern girl

1. I was told "You are beautiful" today. I won't say who said it to me, but it was flattering for sure. I turned bright red. Some days I feel like I am, but sometimes compliments like that just totally catch me off guard!
2. Taco Tuesday!! Terra and I went to Taco Tuesday after work. Yum!
3. Tomorrow is Wednesday, finally. Only a few days left until my birthday!! I will be the big 2-4!
4. Not having to be sad about a boyfriend who doesn't call on your birthday this year.
5. Remembering receiving one of the best homemade presents from him the year before...which involves thinking about him and not being unhappy.
6. Oh! And none of you will see how this is such a big deal, but I beat Jaime at Connect Four today on our break at work! I beat him and didn't cheat and he didn't let me win. I won fair and square! Amazing!!!!

I bought a heart made of art in the deep, deep south

1. Palm Trees
2. Hope for agoldensummer
3. Having a fruit bowl at work filled with: strawberries, nectarines, peaches, bananas, apricots, apples, and plums.
4. ube icecream
5. Learning to remember again
6. Putting on PJs immediately upon coming home
7. Lighting candles that smell like roses

I go for a very different flower

1. Soda Pop was very good! So entertaining! I laughed quite a bit! Great job, Michael!!
2. West Side Story was also very good. Clarissa did a great job with the costumes!!
3. I watched a bunch of Watanabe's videos. I miss my friends in Japan. If my time there hadn't been so confused with personal issues, I think I would feel very differently towards it all. I do miss it though. I wonder if I will move back to Japan some day.
4. I LOVE the song Ikebana with Kana. Such good memories!!
5. After West Side Story, I was invited back to Clarissa & Lenny's place for drinks and dinner...but I needed some alone time. So, I am back at the apartment, just ate dinner, milliseconds from diving into a book!

Love!

What can you do? There's nobody like you.

1. Sunsets
2. Today we had a mini "Goodbye" shindig for Malia. She is moving to the West Coast Zone... so she won't be 2 desks down from me. Sadness!
3. I went with Clarissa after work to her shop. I helped her put together some last minute things for West Side Story.
4. I'm going to LA tomorrow to visit with Michael, and then see his play, Soda Pop.
5. Sunday I am going to see West Side Story! I am excited!


And now, a video of my very good friend, Duncan. Look closely. This video was shot in my town in Japan, Tanbara.

Videos of the Day - It's a Weepies kind of day

Dreams

I had a really life-like and powerful dream about David last night. I was with him, as if nothing had ever happened. Then, I zoomed in on his face and could see every little detail about him. It was exactly him. There were even the 5 white eyebrow and eyelash hairs that he has. Suddenly, he started turning into a marionette doll. I tried to kiss him to bring him back, and it almost worked... but then, he was a doll, completely.

I really expected to wake up and find an email or something from him. Is it bad that I was disappointed when there was nothing there? I don't know what is going on in my head.

It's almost as if I am finally coming to terms with the fact that he is gone out of my life forever. It's just so hard when you devote yourself to someone so completely for so many years. For them to always be in your thoughts. It's not a change that can happen overnight. And I wonder how he is sometimes, but I know I can't find out, because that will hurt too much.

Life is weird.

I can be your out of here

1. Went out last night with the South Park Crew! Went to a different bar this time. Hamiltons. I got asked out by two guys. One was a no. One I had to think about. I don't know. The whole "dating" thing freaks me out. I don't know why. I get really flustered when people ask for my number or ask if I want to go out to dinner or something... I still think of myself as an ugly duckling, so it's just so weird!!
2. Today I bought chairs for my balcony. I sat outside and read for 2 hours today, just enjoying the quiet and being alone on my balcony.
3. I watched In Her Shoes tonight. It was an ok movie. I was ready for it to be over by the time it was done. But, it was a nice movie to get lost in.
4. I feel good tonight. Today was a recharge day. I spent the day (from when I got home from Clarissa&Lenny's place) alone, just being by myself. I played with Ocha a lot. I love that lil bun.