Wednesday, July 19, 2006

"To transform the emptiness of loneliness, to the fullness of aloneness. Ah, that is the secret of life."

I haven’t posted in a few days. Sorry. I have been away from computers and the internet for a bit. And last night when I had a chance to post, I just wasn’t in the right frame of mind for it.

1. Monday I spent the morning and early afternoon at home playing with Ocha. Oh, I also visited out Home Carpenter store to pick up a few things… When I got there, I found out that it is in it’s last days and is closing soon. That was weird.

2. At 3, Jemmy picked me up and we headed to Namioka-sensei’s house. It was a bit stressful at first and I felt a bit shy because it was me, my Japanese teacher, two other Japanese teachers, and my teacher’s husband. I felt a little pressured to speak Japanese well, which makes me not want to speak at all. But I did. Turns out that Nami-chan (Mr. Namioka) is really good at English! Woah!

3. Namioka-sensei made us a 6 course Italian meal! It was insanely delicious. Seriously, it was better than any restaurant I’ve ever eaten at!

4. After dinner, I got a surprise birthday cake and a beautiful pair of earrings from everyone. They are super beautiful and I love them!

5. Then, we went to karaoke and rocked out. I’ve never been to karaoke with adults before. It was a completely different experience.

6. Monday night, I stayed over at David T’s apartment. We chatted till late and then he had to go to sleep cuz he was exhausted and had work in the morning.

7. Tuesday morning, I walked around Niihama Fuji for a while and found Karl a couple things. I also got Yoko her goodbye present. Then, I met David T for lunch.

8. At 1, David T had to go back to work, so I walked to Aeon (a real mall-style shopping center!) and walked around. I eventually me tup with my friend Emma and walked around and chatted with her for a bit. Then, I met David T from work at 4:30 and we talked in the park, then headed to his friend’s store. There, we talked about how to say sexual things in English and Japanese. We learned a lot.

9. Today was my second to last day at work. I had my Japanese lesson. I was extremely surprised that I didn’t cry. I think Namioka-sensei could tell the moments when I was about to, and she would do something silly to distract me. What an amazing lady. I will miss her dearly.

10. Tonight Duncan and Yoko came off for dinner before running off to do their various errands and things. I will miss those two lots.

Lately has been a bit difficult for me. I keep having to say these goodbyes to my friends. It is so hard. To people who you know you will never see again, it’ very hard. And even people you are sure you will meet again…you have no idea when, so that is hard. I haven’t said a single goodbye to a friend and not cried. Last night after saying goodbye to David T, I cried on the taxi ride to the train station.

I wish life would be easier, really. I feel so lost and lonely lately. I know it will pass (soon, hopefully), but the here and now is not so difficult right now. I have started feeling scared and nervous to come home. I have no idea what I am going to do. But I don’t want to stay in Tanbara, can’t stay in Japan, don’t want to go home to America… I don’t actually WANT anything right now except a real hug.


David said...

It is ok, the hardest thing in life can be moving on, forward. You could have known someone for a few minutes or many many lifetimes, but eventually there will be a goodbye, a parting. Just don't let it distract you from the bright, colourful path which lies ahead.
Remember, let your beautiful radient light shine upon the path that lies ahead, but never cast your footsteps into darkness. Alight the world and all you encounter.
The wind loves to play with your hair.

racecarsandgothrock said...

Abie - I know what you mean about feeling lost and lonely. I wasn't even in another country and I feel that way. I don't have school anymore, I'm not seeing Greg anymore (long story), I live alone (which is good) I have no one to randomly call to hang out with if I have a spare moment. I went to a concert alone last night! Anyway - I guess what I'm saying is that it's really hard when stuff changes and you lose track of people. I'm just trying to do as many random activites as possible. Keeps me occupied and at least gives me a chance of making some new friends.

Anonymous said...

talk about denial. i haven't said bye to anyone. and if you cry when you say goodbye to me i'm gonna turn into a wreck. i'm just warning you. there's only a thin barrier up right now. sorry i couldn't come tonight. i will make it over to see you. and i'll see you in america too. somehow. hee hee. have a great birthday sweetheart!